Part 2 on Cohabitation - How Can We Solve the Problem?
Two months ago, I wrote about the issue of Cohabitation from the perspective of how it relates to our faith and finances. I challenged you to consider the issue for your own life and how difficult it might be to solve. I'm convinced the issue can be solved, but it may take a generation or two to shift the paradigm that is so prevalent in our society today, even among good Christians. It's not the most pressing issue in our society, but I feel like I needed to close the loop on the issue by presenting some ways to solve the issue.
So let's start here: Is it even an issue? I think so, yes. The Catholic Church states many moral reasons as to why cohabitation can be an issue, but it also raises a few practical issues as well - namely how there is a direct relationships between cohabitation and increased separation/divorce. Though I won't talk about divorce much, if we can solve this particular problem, then it stands to reason that couples' relationships are less likely to crumble after marriage (my hope, anyway). Next, according to the Pew Research Center, the rate of people living with an unmarried partner has risen from 3% to 7% since 1995. That's more than double in the last 25 years. I believe it may become an ever bigger problem in the near future and that rate of increase may balloon quickly as time goes on if we don't get a handle on it soon.
Whether a couple's choice to cohabit is due to finances or some other reason, I'd like to attempt to solve the issues by presenting some ideas that can be possible solutions for you and your loved ones. After all, we must be prepared with alternatives to cohabitation when our friends/nieces/nephews/children are coming to us for help and our thoughts. We must be ready to help them from a place of love and offer practical reasons to avoid cohabitation, as well as solutions to any of their problems.
I mentioned that it could take a generation or two to shift because there are so many factors that need to be considered: Have children been influenced by their parents who cohabitated? Have our children cohabitated with our permission but they want to break that cycle with their own kids (and are they hypocrites for being against it)? If I am considering the issue for myself and my significant other - Do we have the money to live fruitful lives separately?
Defining the Issue
Today, we can focus on the money factors since I believe it's the most tangible hurdle to consider. Many of the other arguments are based on moral and religious beliefs, which will have its own post in the near future. I'd really like to dive deeper into the strategies we can use to prevent the "money issue" from being such a monster to handle.
Where to start? Let's look at the big picture first. How about we start with inflation and the ever-rising costs of living being substantial issues? The average rate of inflation in the last 30 years is roughly 2.5%, the rate of increasing housing costs can be insanely high (depending on where you live), and don't even get me started on the rising costs of secondary education!
OUR first job is to understand that our children do not (and never will) live in the same world we did/currently do. When they grow up, the things they buy will likely be more expensive, the housing they have will likely be more expensive, their education is almost certainly going to be more expensive, and so on. We must never judge them for this fact and we must never condemn them if they fall into a trap we ourselves do not fully understand. So let's do better to educate ourselves about it so we can teach our children with confidence so they don't have to worry about inflation rates and housing costs.
Next, let's consider what "lifestyle inflation" means. When we start making more money, do we tend to buy more expensive things, or do we continue to live humble lives and save/invest the extra? If we spend more money as our income increases, that's the most obvious sign of lifestyle inflation. However, if our kids are part of the problem (BUT MOM, the JONESES have a trampoline - can we get one?!), we must teach them to be humble and be content with the things we already have, and make gifting presents a truly rare and special occasion. That is a tough lesson to teach, but it's worth it in the long run. So overall, lifestyle inflation can be tough to combat. "Keeping up with the Joneses" is a real problem and we must recognize when we're trying too hard to keep up, especially before it results in unhappy lifestyles. Wanting nice things and having some lifestyle inflation is not a bad thing (and in some cases, a necessity), but with most things in life, it's best in moderation.
Lastly, we must understand that if we compare ourselves and our kids to others (and verbalize those comparisons), we run the risk of influencing them negatively. Similar to "keeping up with the Joneses," the simple comparisons of our kids to others (especially their successes and failures) are doing more harm than good. This gamesmanship can lead to many financial downfalls such as mistakes related to choosing a certain pricey college/university, the size of one's house, the car one drives, and so on. I was compared to my peers often when I was growing up and I hated it, and I can still feel the effects of the "what do others think of me" mentality. It's much more detrimental than you might think, so I urge you to pray about it more and reflect on how this might have played a role in your own life. Have you been affected this way? How are you breaking the cycle?
One Possible Solution for Parents and Guardians
So what's the solution to this particular financial hurdle? Well, it may be more simple than you think - it's understanding finances ourselves, teaching our kids about financial responsibility, and helping them if they fall. That means a lifetime of learning for yourself and exposing your children to financial topics and mature money conversations as they grow up.
The cross that we bear for our children is always to be good role models, so we must first have good financial foundations to build on. However, I will acknowledge that even if we fail, it's not completely unheard of for a child to learn from the mistakes of their parents, work hard to do better, and go the opposite way. But the fact of the matter is, children learn habits from their parents, and some habits are harder to break than others. Let's not leave it up to chance; let's do our best to educate ourselves and live intentional lives to keep our finances in check so our children can see good examples from us as they're growing up.
Next, are we talking to our children about finances? Are we starting them young and teaching them good lessons throughout their young lives? Camilla and I don't have children yet (though it's a near-guarantee in the future), but we do have young minds we're molding. In my small group, I'm having conversations with them about faith and finances and I pray that it's opening up their minds to what God wants them to do with money and how they should live their lives according to their faith, especially by being good stewards.
I personally think that, at the very least, parents should have a basic level of understanding of budgeting, strong principles in the reasons why they make certain decisions, and live as good examples of for their children. With those simple things, they're already well ahead of the curve. If you're worried about having to teach them all by yourself, don't fear! There are plenty of resources out there, but I recommend the ChooseFI Foundation for your PreK through 12th grade financial education needs. I have yet to come across a better foundational program. Though they are a secular non-profit, I feel that they have built good curricula from the ground up and there are opportunities to supplement that education with other faith-based lessons.
You see where this is going, right? A strong foundation in finances is the perfect complement to a strong faith when it comes to combating the issue of cohabitation. We need to build these foundations on strong rock. I am reminded of Matthew 7:24-27 and the image of building our financial lives on sand, and not fully understanding the implications of weak education for our children. When we have our houses in order and finances in check, we can spend more time in building up our children, our communities, and the Church.
I am a firm believer in having normal conversations about finances with our children, and telling them why certain decisions are being made. Over time, there will be no barriers that prevent the children from going to their parents with problems - this is incredibly important when it comes to shameful mistakes. We should always want the best for our children, and that means building a strong foundation for them and hardening them with lessons that they learn over time, especially if it means making mistakes. Better to make many small mistakes as children than to make a few big life-altering mistakes as adults. Also worth considering is the idea that shameful mistakes are easier to talk about when speaking with someone you know won't judge you, but rather will have open and honest conversations about solving the issue. This may be where we find the most impact - in letting children make mistakes and strengthening their decision-making skills by supporting them when they need help. After all, if they make fewer mistakes and have less debt as adults, they will be less tempted to use the "save money" reason for cohabiting with their significant other.
Lastly, we must be careful when comparing ourselves to others, and be even more careful if we compare our children to their peers. Let's not go overboard. Always come back to love - if comparing yourself or your children to others is a strategy for motivation, I hope it's working without negative effects. If you implemented this in your life, I'd love to hear about how it's going for you and the level of motivation it's had in your life. I believe that would be a fascinating conversation to have! Though I recognize that it's motivated me to some extent, I also know I have been negatively impacted by it since childhood, but I think I've put it in the past and have moved forward.
So you see, even though these perspectives take into account a few areas of this topic, it should be done over many decades. Shifting the perspective on this particular problem may take one or two generations.
What Can Young Adults Do in Their Relationships?
For the young adults who find themselves in the position of considering cohabiting because their current situation would be easier by doing so, I urge you to reconsider. Give Part 1 a read if you haven't already and see if it resonates with you.
If you're moving on to the practical phase of solving this issue, here is what I have to offer you: The goal is to find money for rent, right? Have you explored the option of living with your parents? Have you considered finding a roommate, or multiple roommates? Practically speaking, this means finding out how much it costs per month (including a rough estimate of electricity/gas/internet/etc.) and finding that in your budget. After you've figured that rent amount out, you have to see what you might be able to cut out of your current budget to meet that goal each month.
If your reason for cohabiting is to "save up for the wedding and not going into debt because of it," there are plenty of examples of couples working out a budget for their wedding and having a modest celebration. After all, getting married should be about the sacrament of Holy Matrimony and not the party. The party should only be big if you can pay for it - preferably out of pocket! The argument for a small wedding is the direction I'd lean toward, but I digress for now.
Cutting down your budget may not be practical, so let's go the other way and try to make additional money! Camilla and I have written about making extra money with our side hustles and we think that reselling on eBay is one of the best things you can do. It doesn't even have to be eBay - consider Facebook Marketplace, Craigslist, Poshmark, or other websites. The fact is, buying low and selling high will always be a viable business model. Regardless, buying low and selling high is not the only way to make additional income, so check out the Side Hustle Nation website for some truly inspirational side hustles. There are many ways to solve this issue, so find something you're interested and get going!
Lastly, if you are not confident in your abilities to implement any of these strategies, Camilla and I are happy to help! We'll do it for free! Just reach out to us if you want to chat :)
Closing Thoughts
I hope this post has gotten your gears turning. There are a few reasons for cohabiting, and I believe that we can address any of those reasons with an open mind, some creativity, and hard work. There are probably things I've missed, so please help me fill in the gaps! I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter, and please stay tuned for posts on the other issues we're trying to tackle. Camilla and I have many thoughts on how we might tackle the moral and religious issues of cohabitation in the future.
Sincerely,
Khang